my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
