some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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