Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
