I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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