he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
