Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
