After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
