I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
