24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
