Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
