Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
