What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
