i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
