we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
