the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
