You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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