xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
