Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
