The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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