I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am one with the molecules
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
