just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
