Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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