My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
