its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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