You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
