Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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