I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
