Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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