Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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