my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
