I looked at my own cervix.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
