I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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