Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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