my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
