Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
