I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
