You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You can't special order awesome
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Randomize
