mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
