Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
