I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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