And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
