When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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