i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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