made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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