I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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