More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
