I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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