But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
