I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There's always time for handjobs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
