saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
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