your parents love me but you hate me
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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