I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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